Hindsight Being 20/20 (it really is "All Who You Know")

Once upon a time I was a young, overly idealistic, largely introverted, writer in Hollywood, with not a single friend or family member in the entertainment biz. And as such, that phrase, "it's all who you know" that everyone, in this new city of mine, seemed to throw around so freely, felt like a mean ole taunting, threat.

It felt like they were saying to me "it's a club, kid. And you're not in it. So you better find some connections here, and fast".

This set me off on a less than pleasant trail where, a normally, fully authentic me, was just weird, and not at all myself. Especially when it came to trying to make contacts at networking events.

I was in good company.

You could count me amongst the masses of creative hopefuls showing up to screenings, premieres and events. Trying desperately to squeeze themselves into some kind of enticing package that they imagined some well-connected Hollywood type would find appealing enough to suddenly want to make all their wildest dreams come true.

And here's your first tip in this series: this behavior never works. In fact, it's just weird and everyone knows what you're doing. You become the thing they avoid, at best. Or their easy prey, at worst. Not to mention the only true shot you have, is if you're being 100% fully yourself. And no one can be fully themselves, while they're angling for something they're pretending they're not angling for.

Just don't do it.

What I wished I would have known back then, is that the "it's all who you know" thing is so much deeper than it sounds.

It's true. In Hollywood, or probably anywhere, you need your people who know you and have your back. The people who believe in you. The people that will refer you when they hear about a job. The one's who know your work. Who care about your success. Who will champion and go to bat for you. Give you that third party credibility. The more people you have like that in your corner, the higher the chances you're going to experience success at whatever you are going after.

But those kinds of relationships don't happen in a day. Frankly they don't happen in a week. Or even a year. Particularly when it comes to something as deep, and that requires as much trust, as the writing path does.

Those relationships take years and years to develop. And they often don't happen by you trying to shoot straight to the top or get something from anyone. They aren't transactional relationships, even though they end up benefitting you that way by default.

These are the kinds of relationships that mostly happen amongst peers, and maybe a few mentors here and there. You have to "grow up with them so to speak".

If you're at it long enough, some of those folks you "grew up with". The one's you supported and nourished as much as they nourished you, will become those important people "that you know". And to the newbies, you'll be the one looking like the "lucky one" with all the relationships.

I get it. Writing is a challenging path. It might already feel like an impossible juggle just to make sure you're effectively developing your craft, and getting your daily writing in, amongst the day job. While also giving time to, likely, your non-writer, non-industry family and friends.

I know from experience how hard it is. I was in that juggle. There never seemed to be enough time. Which is why I tried to convince myself that working on my craft was enough. That my talent would speak for itself.

But it turns out talent does not speak for itself. In fact, talent can often be tongue-tied, and hermit-like, from too much time spent in one's imaginative head.

So you have to get out there. Start now. Start today. If you need to, grab your most extroverted friend and go. Start building those relationships. Before you need them. I don't care if you're 80. It's never too late to connect and build a community with your fellow creatives.

Put it in your calendar to make sure you are devoting at least one day a month to it. Take a class. Join an organization. And do it right. Do it without an agenda. Just a slow and steady build up of your friendships, and one day you will find yourself thrilled about the fact that it really is "all who you know". Thrilled that you genuinely adore all the people "that you know". And they've made the journey, the setbacks and the victories all the more sweet.

******Holly Payberg-Torroija is a writer/writing coach and partner at Humans on The Verge (founded by Kelly Carlin-McCall), where she guides writers through her signature writing program, Loving The Process. Join Kelly & Holly's online writing community, The Village, for a free 30 day trial to check out their Daily Practice calls, and their upcoming workshops and retreats. To sign up click here